MARC of the Beast

[The Playboy Sheikh’s Virgin Stable-Girl, 2009] Not only...

Sat, 18 May 2013 12:01:00 -0400

[The Playboy Sheikh’s Virgin Stable-Girl, 2009]

Not only is this one of the worst titles of all time, the text apparently includes sentences like this:

“Kaliq dismounted with the same speed and grace as he would remove himself from the body of a woman he had just made love to.”

WHAT?

See the SBTB review (http://smartbitchestrashybooks.com/blog/the-playbot-sheikhs-virgin-stable-girl-by-sharon-kendrick) for more incredibly awesome terribleness.

THIS IS A THING THAT EXISTS: Her Dragon Billionaire

Thu, 24 Jan 2013 14:52:07 -0500

THIS IS A THING THAT EXISTS: Her Dragon Billionaire:

thepierglass:

Being in the wrong place at the wrong time, plump librarian Eva Walkers witnesses a man being murdered by the Russian mafia. Three months later, the Feds put her in the witness protection program. Reborn with new identity as Eva Smith in a new town, she tries to pick up her life where she had left off. Unfortunately, the vory v zakone is able to track her down to finish her. They shoot Eva and dump her body into the river.

Dragon shifter and reclusive billionaire Liam Caderyn is having his midnight stroll when he sees a woman’s body wash out in the stream of his property. He saves her and nurses Eva back to life. Wildly attracted to her, Liam claims that Eva is his wife when she wakes up with amnesia. He figures the lies will keep her with him while he investigates her mysterious past. And besides, he really wants to claim her as his mate.

However, Eva’s past catches up with her and the ruthless vory v zakone gets wind of her whereabouts. They come to settle the score once and for all. But they don’t know Liam. As a businessman, he’s well-rehearsed in power plays. As a dragon, he’s dangerous and protective over what belongs to him.

But what will happen if Eva suddenly remembers her past?

Reclaiming His Pregnant Widow is easily one of my most WTF...

Tue, 11 Dec 2012 14:45:00 -0500

Reclaiming His Pregnant Widow is easily one of my most WTF Titles of 2011-2012.

Description:

Long presumed dead, antiquities dealer Brand Noble has finally clawed his way back to New York City. Only to find his wife, Clea, pregnant…and engaged to another man? She hadn’t wasted any time in moving on. It will not do. Brand will have her back—no matter what.

Clea had held out to the bitter end before tearfully having Brand declared dead. Now he’s jumped to conclusions about her condition, and his unwillingness to believe her explanation is unbearable.

She will not be reclaimed—or so she tells herself. Even as her resistance melts under his scorching caresses.

Sheikh Surgeon Claims His Bride is one of my Head:Desk Titles of...

Tue, 11 Dec 2012 14:41:00 -0500

Sheikh Surgeon Claims His Bride is one of my Head:Desk Titles of 2011-2012. I chose this version of the cover because I love how big MEDICAL is.

Description:

Surgeon Zayed Khalil is formidable, yet scarred. The only solace he finds is in his work. He’s dedicated, professional and brilliant. And he’s come to Penhally Bay to set up a specialist children’s unit at St Piran Hospital.

Emily Livingston is in awe of her new boss, but she’s noticed the pain behind his dark eyes. Her instinct to reach out to him is as overwhelming as the underlying attraction between them. But Zayed closed his heart long ago. Could this beautiful young doctor be the woman to show him how to live again… even love again?

Sheikh, Children’s Doctor…Husband I have to...

Tue, 11 Dec 2012 14:37:00 -0500

Sheikh, Children’s Doctor…Husband

I have to interrupt my Best of 2011-2012 review for this WTF title.

Description:

Dedicated vet Melinda Fortesque has a secret. One she’s kept from gorgeous doctor Dragan Lovak even though she’s given him her heart. Now duty is calling her, and she knows she must tell him the truth about who she really is.

It’s enough of a shock for Dragan to learn that the woman he trusted and fell in love with is royalty! And that HRH Melinda has been called back to her country to take the throne. But now he’s learned that she’s carrying his child! How can he possibly let her go?

And now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Daring to Date the Boss is one of my Head:Desk titles of...

Tue, 11 Dec 2012 14:33:30 -0500

Daring to Date the Boss is one of my Head:Desk titles of 2011-2012.

Description:

She’s ruled out romance…

Liz Strauss is the queen of control. As a single mom she’s got to be. But her attraction to new boss Charles “Ice King” Bishop throws oh-so-careful Liz into a complete tailspin. Suddenly her nightmares over her son’s future have been replaced by dreams of romantic dates!

But her boss has other ideas!

It’s been years since Liz has trusted anyone not to hurt her. Sharing sizzling kisses with Charles is one thing, but believing that his frosty exterior conceals a heart that will beat for her—for always—is quite another.…

The Sexorcist is one of my Best Titles of...

Tue, 11 Dec 2012 14:27:00 -0500

The Sexorcist is one of my Best Titles of 2011-2012.

Description:

Everything that can go wrong, will…especially when a demon helps things along.

Karmic Consultants, Book 3

When a mischief demon threatens a wedding, who’s a Karmic Consultant gonna call? Brittany Hylton-VanDeere. Brittany’s never planned a wedding before, but how hard could averting demon-induced matrimonial disasters be? Her particular brand of cockeyed optimism has always carried her through—but this time there’s a complication. A tattooed, badass exorcist who’s tempting her to break the no-office-dating rule.

Luis Rodriguez isn’t sure what to make of bright-eyed, somewhat illogical Brittany, but he’ll take any job that gives him a break from exorcising demons for pampered, lusting housewives. Helping pull off a wedding is not exactly his idea of a break, but who knew that Brittany’s infectious enthusiasm would be so, so seductive?

As the demon keeps finding ways to throw Brittany and Rodriguez together, they find themselves sliding deeper into a forbidden romance. But distractions are something they can’t afford. The demon’s aggression is rising, and it plans to stop the wedding. Even if it means stopping Brittany…permanently.

Warning: This book contains a hero guaranteed to heat things up, a heroine bound to tug your heartstrings, and enough demonic mischief to keep you smiling all the way to the chapel.

Lady Doctor Wyre is one of my Best Titles of...

Tue, 11 Dec 2012 14:21:00 -0500

Lady Doctor Wyre is one of my Best Titles of 2011-2012.

Description:

A dangerous technology could conquer the universe. Love could set it free.

A Jane Austen Space Opera, Book 1

Charlotte, Duchess of Wyre, once held the Queen’s highest confidence—and the technological secret that keeps the royal heart beating. Fearful of what atrocities that Britannia might commit with her research, Charlotte turned to the galaxy’s most infamous assassin, Lord Sigmund Regret, to stage her own death.

Even without the simplest of luxuries, seven years hiding in the Americus colony is preferable to one day in the Tower of Londinium. Until a bounty hunter’s bullet forces her to revive her research. Now the same nanobots that keep the Queen alive also run rampant in Lord Regret’s body. Making his yearly Solstice visits increasingly…intimate…and complicating her courtship with the safe and honorable Sheriff Gilead Masters.

When the Americus colony declares independence, and her humble sheriff makes a shocking confession, Charlotte has had enough. Weary of running, tired of living without tea and silks, she fires a warning shot across Britannia’s bow: cease hunting Lady Wyre, or lose the technological power the crown holds so dear.

Her next task isn’t so simple. Somehow she must keep the two men she loves alive—and prevent them from killing each other.

When You Give a Duke A Diamond is one of my Best Titles of...

Tue, 11 Dec 2012 14:17:00 -0500

When You Give a Duke A Diamond is one of my Best Titles of 2011-2012.

Description:

He had a perfectly orderly life…

William, the sixth Duke of Pelham, enjoys his punctual, securely structured life. Orderly and predictable—that’s the way he likes it. But he’s in the public eye, and the scandal sheets will make up anything to sell papers. When the gossip papers link him to Juliette, one of the most beautiful and celebrated courtesans in London, chaos doesn’t begin to describe what happens next…

Until she came along…

Juliette is nicknamed the Duchess of Dalliance and has the cream of the nobility at her beck and call. It’s disruptive to have the duke who is the biggest catch on the Marriage Mart scaring her other suitors away. Then she discovers William’s darkest secret and decides what he needs in his life is the kind of excitement only she can provide…

What an Earl Wants is one of my Best Titles of...

Tue, 11 Dec 2012 14:14:00 -0500

What an Earl Wants is one of my Best Titles of 2011-2012.

Description:

Gideon Redgrave, eldest child of the late Earl of Saltwood, refuses to be humbled by the scandal that once tore his family apart. He’s built his life in London society around one rule: trust no one. So the last thing he wants is to play guardian and role model to a headstrong boy… or to engage in a battle of wills with the boy’s spirited half sister, who is fighting Gideon for custody.

Beautiful and bold, young widow Jessica Linden proves to be a formidable and passionate adversary. But the more they lock horns, the more Gideon realizes he’d prefer to have Jessica on his side…and in his arms. Especially now that a new threat-sprung from his father’s supposedly defunct secret society-is poised to destroy the Redgraves once and for all.

Misplaced Cowboy is one of my Best Titles of...

Tue, 11 Dec 2012 14:11:00 -0500

Misplaced Cowboy is one of my Best Titles of 2011-2012.

Description:

Foreign Affairs, Book Two

Flying halfway ’round the world to meet his potential soul mate sounds like a fine idea to Dylan Sullivan—until he discovers said soul mate, Annie, has gone looking for him. In Australia. Now Dylan’s adrift, a bloke from the Outback alone in the bloody big city. Until he’s rescued by Monet, a gorgeous local artist—and Annie’s best friend.

A dyed-in-the-wool New Yorker, Monet has never met anyone like Dylan. Taking temporary care of the sizzling-hot cowboy is easy; he’s friendly, funny and interesting. Keeping her hands off him is decidedly not easy. That horny accent, that killer grin—and as a successful artist, Monet is very much a hands-on sort of girl. Dylan and Monet hold back until they learn Annie is engaged in her own foreign affair in Oz.

Then all bets—and clothes—are off. But it can only be a fling. An Aussie cowboy doesn’t belong in New York any more than a city girl belongs in the Outback. Now if only their hearts would listen.

Uh, yeah. I like the cover, but that doesn’t sound really...

Sat, 01 Dec 2012 09:48:02 -0500

Uh, yeah. I like the cover, but that doesn’t sound really “suitable for all ages.”

This is the tale of Gorgon Elfhunter, a monstrous, mysterious creature who has sworn to destroy all the Elves of Alterra - until none remain! It is the story of Wood-elven heroine Gaelen Taldin, who has sworn to rid her world of the Elfhunter even as she is hunted by him. The conflict between them is a tangled web that blurs the line between Light and Darkness, love and obsession, free will and fate. Filled with moments both tender and terrifying, thrilling yet thought-provoking, it is a timeless epic fantasy suitable for readers of all ages. Join the Company of Elves, dwarves, mortal men, and delightfully intelligent horses. Come to Alterra - the ‘World that Is.’

[Kiss of Surrender: A Deadly Angels Book] It’s not easy...

Wed, 21 Nov 2012 15:39:09 -0500

[Kiss of Surrender: A Deadly Angels Book]

It’s not easy being a Vampire Angel.

No one knows that better than Trond Sigurdsson. In the centuries since he last went out drinking and wenching with his Viking buds, Trond has been a gladiator, a cowboy, a ditch digger … even a sheik. But now he’s the baddest of them all: a kick-ass Navy SEAL kicking butts of terrorist immortals with the help of his hotter-than-Hades female partner, police officer-turned-Special Forces operative Nicole Tasso—whom Trond dearly hopes to “partner” with very shortly in a whole different way.

The “cop” part of Nicole tells her there’s something bizarre about her gorgeous godlike teammate. But her “all-woman” side can’t help wondering how great it would be to have a virile Viking in her bed. Trond has secrets galore, but Nicole feels certain she can dig them out—and really get to the heart of this powerful, unnerving stranger whom she may be risking her soul to love.

Easily one of the most awesomely WTF descriptions I’m come across this month. I almost want to read it to find out how the viking became a sheikh.

How To Tame A Willful Wife: 1. Forbid her from riding astride2....

Sat, 06 Oct 2012 15:52:46 -0400

How To Tame A Willful Wife:

1. Forbid her from riding astride
2. Hide her dueling sword
3. Burn all her breeches and buy her silk drawers
4. Frisk her for hidden daggers
5. Don’t get distracted while frisking her for hidden daggers…

Anthony Carrington, Earl of Ravensbrook, expects a biddable bride. A man of fiery passion tempted by the rigors of war into steely self-control, he demands obedience from his troops and his future wife. Regardless of how fetching she looks in breeches.

Promised to the Earl of Plump Pockets by her impoverished father, Caroline Montague is no simpering miss. She rides a war stallion named Hercules, fights with a blade, and can best most men with both bow and rifle. She finds Anthony autocratic, domineering, and…ridiculously handsome.

It’s a duel of wit and wills in this charming retelling of The Taming of the Shrew. But the question is…who’s taming whom?

I … just … really doubt this is going to work for me. And I don’t like the cover.

[Supernatural Born Killers] I saw this title, and then the rest...

Tue, 14 Aug 2012 16:21:00 -0400

[Supernatural Born Killers] I saw this title, and then the rest of the series, and knew that they deserved a mention here. In addition to Supernatural Born Killers, which is the most recent entry, the Pepper Martin mysteries include:

Don of the Dead
The Chick and the Dead
Tombs of Endearment
Night of the Loving Dead
Dead Man Talking
Tomb With a View
A Hard Day’s Fright
Wild Wild Death (weakest entry)

This is series punning done RIGHT. They (presuming author + publisher) picked a theme: movies. They applied death-related terms to all their chosen titles, without too much reaching. They’ve left themselves lots of room for future titles. *polite clapping*

[The Surgeon’s Secret Baby] I mean, abs are nice and all,...

Tue, 10 Jul 2012 14:09:00 -0400

[The Surgeon’s Secret Baby] I mean, abs are nice and all, but I’m not sure I would want him operating on me.

A worthy follow-up to Seduced by a Stallion…

Tue, 10 Jul 2012 13:33:17 -0400

A worthy follow-up to Seduced by a Stallion…

Billionaires and Babies

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 16:20:42 -0400

Billionaires and Babies:

By all means, click through if you want to see almost twenty books featuring rich men holding babies. This well will NEVER RUN DRY!

[The Paternity Promise] “After leaving her late...

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 16:13:00 -0400

[The Paternity Promise]

“After leaving her late cousin’s baby on the Dalton doorstep, Grace Templeton poses as a nanny to discover which of the billionaire twins is the father.”

What a brilliant plan.

[A Very Private Merger] Say no more, you had me at the title.

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 16:05:00 -0400

[A Very Private Merger]

Say no more, you had me at the title.